Wednesday, August 16, 2006

No sex please! I'm single
by Sarah Ribak(rediff)
I just turned 30. Last week.
Completing three decades seemed significant to me, so I threw a bash for my friends (and select family).
Just as I cut the cake and was about to blow out 30 candles amidst cries of "Make a wish," a friend leaned over with a wide grin and whispered, "Wish for a hunk whom you can have an affair with."
I did wish for something -- I am not going to disclose what it is -- but certainly not what was proposed. I cornered my friend later and asked her what made her come up with such a wild suggestion. Her response, "It's fun. No long-term commitment. No being tied down. You go your way, he goes his."
Though it sounded flippant and light, I could not reconcile myself to sex being a mere transaction or activity, however enticing the pleasure. Being the die-hard romantic that I am, sex and a relationship go hand-in-glove (at least in my mind). One-night stands, flings and affairs are certainly not part of my lifestyle.
But my friend refused to let me off. "Sex is just an act that all animals (even we, as social animals) perform. So what is the big deal?" she challenged.
When I gaped at her, she immediately threw some facts for me to swallow and hopefully shut up. Check these out:
Did you know that bonobos and dolphins are the only animals, besides humans, who engage in sexual intercourse for sheer pleasure and not necessarily to procreate?
I was too embarrassed at my lack of ignorance to ask her what bonobos were and later found out that they were a species of chimpanzee.
Did you know that the human breasts of a woman begin to grow during puberty and stay all her life but in other primates, the breasts grow only when the female is pregnant and producing milk (lactating)?
Did you know that the human male has the largest penis of any primate in comparison to his height?
When I asked her what the point was, her exasperated reply: "We are geared for sex. We need to have sex."
Despite the fact that I could not contest the information thrown at me, I still vehemently disagreed with her. Being human does complicate matters. And I am not just referring to social customs and traditions.
If it were as natural as eating and breathing and sleeping, why do we not do it as the dogs and cats and prefer privacy?
Why is it that we copulate face-to-face, look into each other's eyes and have full body contact?
Why is it that we continue to have sexual intercourse long after our child-bearing years?
Why is it that we do not have a mating season like my dog who is desperate to mate when on heat but is pretty fine the rest of the year?
Why do we not run after any human being of the opposite sex and are picky and choosy, unlike my dog who is happy with any male from her species?
Why is mutual consent so necessary?
No matter what anyone says, I cannot reduce sex to just a biological act, when it is such a personal and intimate encounter. One that touches your soul, draws you closer to another human being, and can even leave you shattered and heartbroken.
My aunt, who is a psychiatrist in Manchester, UK, and specialises in dealing with sexually abused and rape victims, tells me that physically, a rape victim heals rapidly, but the mental and emotional damage does not. The sense of shame, hurt, betrayal, depression, nightmares and even sexual dysfunction can continue for years. If sex was just another act, why such deep trauma?
A friend of mine (not the flamboyant one mentioned above) did once have a fling with a married man. He was honest enough to tell her upfront that he would never leave his wife or children. But she felt strongly attracted to him and decided to take her chances and 'snatch moments of happiness'. When he did have his fun and later tell her not to call him again, she was left picking the pieces. She told me that, despite knowing it would never last, she felt totally "used and wasted."
My rationalisation has forced me to admit I can only have sex when I have a relationship with an individual. I need the trust, the commitment. And since marriage attempts to provide that, I would rather have sex with the confines of marriage, be it court or religious. I am not saying that my marriage will be successful or that I will live happily ever after, but I am for the commitment that marriage brings and the faithfulness it advocates.
In my mind, sex has a sure place in marriage, not outside it.
Maybe I am old-fashioned.
Maybe I am a prude.
Maybe I am naive.
Maybe I am just plain stupid to be waiting for Mr Right or Prince Charming.
Maybe I am all of the above (or none of them!).
But I would rather be all these than go against my very convictions.
After all, I will be the one paying the price for my mistakes, not anyone else.
What do you think, dear reader. Do you agree with me or not? I would really like to know your views.......


At 17 August, 2006, Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

I read this article while browsing thru net..liked thought of sharing with others.. there is surely difference b/w making love and having sex..

At 17 August, 2006, Blogger Pavan said...

hmmmm, A good post but as always these grey matters are highly confusing considering all those "good for nothing" things of life and as you could make out...yes, there's a hell lot of difference between the two things mentioned here....MAKING love is channelizing your Affection/Love/emotional fondness through your corporal functions while....HAVING is all so diferent.....there might not be a single thing involved other then pure lust and desire while you HAVE it, but again being diplomatic it depends upon the attitudes of the people for some of us it still might be Making love even though LOVE wont have anything to do with the pleasure they just want to have to quench the unending thirst of their physical being...lolz!

At 17 August, 2006, Blogger endevourme said...

i agree :-)
nice post, but put an 'A' on the top...

At 17 August, 2006, Blogger Gaurav Varma said...

Your views are perfectly believable and valid. Its a matter of personal choice more than anything else.

At 18 August, 2006, Blogger chitra said...

I totally agree with u. Sex is just not another physical activity. For me, it is an act of love.

The other day, i was having a similar argument with one of my frend. I told him simply just because I find the guy in the bus physically attractive, I cant think of sleeping with him. Yes, i might comment abt his looks. That's all.

To give yourself, u have to like that person. Just as the case of your friend. She liked him and decided to have an affair with him. Probably , she was just lying to herself thinking that he might break his mariage and get back to her. But for most of the men, this is an act which gives them pleasure. They are worse than animals.

BTW, for your info, only pigeons are the only animals who have just one partner!

At 18 August, 2006, Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

Its not fair to blame Man for everything..Ya i agree tht they are more inclined toward sex..but its there in their nature..after all they are the one who has to make first move in almost everything..starting from proposing to marriage.. And also now a days gals have also changed.. they are coming out of their four walls. u will find many gals who will like one night stand or living relations. Again this is personla choice..
Hope u njoyed the article..

At 18 August, 2006, Blogger Has to be me said...

Superb article & Im fully in agreement with Sarah cos thats the way I also think & feel. And yes like u said love making is a lot different than just having sex.

End of the day, its what goes on between 2 individuals....if they are happy with just a fling fr just a few days, so it be....long term relation is what they r seeking, well yes they r my type!

At 18 August, 2006, Blogger chitra said...


I forgot to wish you fo your birthday. Many many happy returns of the day and please change ur age in ur profile.

it still shows 24 years.

At 18 August, 2006, Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

Ah Chitra.. I think u missed some lines here.. this article is not by me..but by Sarah.. it was her b'day..mine is in Feb.. n im 24....!!!!!!!!!

At 21 August, 2006, Blogger Ekta said...

its not a matter of who agrees with u or not. Its a matter of whether ur convinced abt ur opinions!
If u do strongly believe in sex only in a serious relationship then so be it!!
Sex is a very personal and private thing and its important that ur comfortable with it and believe in it rather than doing it coz others believe in it!

At 23 August, 2006, Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

/has to be me
glad u liked the article..

/ende.. with three letters word used in title it itself become 'A' for those who want it to be there..otherwise i dont think its imp..

/ekta ..yep fully agree.. its matter of personal choice.. no one is wrong .no one is right :)

At 25 August, 2006, Blogger indianangel said...

Hey, Thats a nice post and thanks for sharing with us!

At 25 August, 2006, Anonymous anand said...

I dont personally have a problem with pre marital sex nor do I support it or condemn it...but I believe strongly its a personal choice and one should do it only if one is 100% certain about rather be a virgin and happy than a non-virgin and regretful!

At 27 August, 2006, Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

/ end of day one should not ve guilty feeling

At 28 August, 2006, Blogger aj said...

Nice blog.

At 29 August, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pritika, I too beleive sex is part of love. One can't have have sex with anyone. For making physical relationship one need emotions and passion.

But things turns bitter when (mostly) man just have it and go away but woman get involve emotionally.

At 08 September, 2006, Anonymous Pavan said...

hmmmm,update your blog pritika!


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